Friday, April 07, 2006

Newsflash from Hell!

According to a press release just issued by the Public Communications Office of the Office of Satan, Inc., construction has almost finished on the Tenth Circle of Hell, to be named Musawi (in honor of Zacarias Moussaoui, in Arabic Zakariya Musawi). Spokesdemon of Satan, Inc., Lucifer, said that this was built in anticipation of "various very bad men indeed whose end is upon them." Anonymous sources say this announcement was delayed as senior executives of Hell passionately debated whether to name it after Zacarias Moussaoui or Abu Musab az-Zarqawi. The project was known as Usamabinladinistan, but Satan, Despot of Hell, scrapped it on the advice of his counsel, Beelzebub, as the name was too cumbersome even for satanic tongues.

In an interview with Dante, the renown Italian poet spoke passionately in medieval Italian. A celestial escort explained that Dante's tone was due to genuine emotion and not to the fact he was speaking Italian. He was reportedly enraged that Satan would execute this project without consulting Dante, who popularized the model of Hell built in circles. Dante ended with a gesture which Heaven's lawyers emphatically assured us was not obscene, just an Italian way of indicating he does not care.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that special pathways have been made to transport the souls of the relevant damned directly from the Tribunal chambers to the new Tenth Circle of Hell. Although Lucifer wold not confirm this during a press conference, he did say that the people for whom this new project was intended were so evil that even Satan, Despot of Hell, recoils from them.

When asked for a comment on this issue, none was made by the Most Blessed and Holy Corporation of the Trinity, Inc. Saint Michael the Archangel hinted that the Most Blessed and Holy Corporation of the Trinity, Inc., has been less than pleased with certain human beings, and may not intervene on their behalf should they be issued tickets to the Tenth Circle of Hell by the Tribunal. Saint Gabriel the Archangel was a bit more direct: "If I had my way, I'd grab them today and throw them down there myself." A spokesangel for Heaven assured us that Saint Gabriel the Archangel was only speaking for himself and not on behalf of Heaven. A pity.


At 11:16 PM, Blogger Wickedpinto said...

Good, VERY good.

Maybe daddy should be an editor.

At 11:19 PM, Blogger Wickedpinto said...

....project was intended were so evil that even ...

would have been a little more flavorful with "those who met the requisite standards" or some other play, you overused evil. :)

But Yeah, I liked it a lot.

At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Iblis said...

Not to mention that the damn pumblers union was trying to jack us on the extra gas lines we needed.When I finally offered them a complimentary stay in the new circle, they saw the light.
Oh and just one minor correction, the primary purpose of the circle isn't because the new inmates are overwhelmingly evil, which they are, its that they're overwhelmingly stinky. You start sleeping with sheep, and it stains your soul. Literally.

At 2:10 PM, Anonymous Michael said...

A celestial escort explained that Dante's tone was due to genuine emotion and not to the fact he was speaking Italian.


At 7:03 PM, Blogger Major John said...

Quite good indeed!


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